Hi Reader,

As we (finally) reach the end of January, I'm still sort of tinkering with my intentions and goals for the new year ahead. One that's coming into clearer focus is cultivating self-love.

I’ve always had fairly good self-esteem. I believe I’m a good writer and a good mom. I have strong values and integrity, and I’ve been in enough different kinds of rooms to know I can hold my own most places.

But self-esteem is different from self-love. It’s one thing to respect yourself — to see yourself as capable and accomplished — and another to believe you are inherently good and worthy, irrespective of anything you might achieve or contribute.

As I was reflecting on the difference, I found myself thinking… I can say lots of good things about myself. But do I truly love myself? Unconditionally?

I realized that I often unconsciously treat self-love like a carrot. 🥕 I allow myself my own love when I achieve my goals, or when I do something particularly generous. I also feel my self-love in response to the praise of others, a kind of reflected glow of their admiration.

It's ironic, because I spent a good part of the last decade overcoming the false belief that we need to earn joy by being productive or self-sacrificing. In trying to understand why so many of us struggle to give ourselves permission to do what brings us joy, I found a pervasive societal conditioning that tells us joy is a luxury we deserve only when we do things deemed "good." This realignment — viewing joy as natural and unconditional, rather than as an earned reward — has been one of the most profound shifts of my life. (And is core to the Wild Joy course, where I teach the tools that have helped me make this transformation.)

But even though I've stopped dangling joy as a carrot in front of my nose, something in me still setting conditions on when I'm allowed to love myself.

I’m don't think I'm alone in this. After all, we are a society that values what you do and what you produce, not who you are. And we are taught from a young age that others’ approval matters more than our own self-image. This is part of why failure and rejection are so terrifying. What’s on the line isn’t just disappointment or social pain, but the loss of our own love.

What would it mean to love yourself even when you know you're not your "best self?" To fall short and still love yourself, knowing that there will always be ways you can do better?

I don't know yet, but one exercise I've been trying is imagining I'm looking at myself from the outside for a moment, and asking: What would I do right now if I really loved her? The answers are banal and obvious: Let her lie in bed another ten minutes. Use the good hand cream. Stop doomscrolling and go for a walk.

But I don't think the answers are the point. Just the act of asking the question seems to ignite a kind of tenderness. It's as if I'm momentarily forced to step outside myself, and once there, I can see myself without the hum of overthinking and second guessing. Maybe from there I can begin to fall in love with the person I see. Maybe for the very first time.

Joyfully,

Ingrid

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One Thing

Look, don't stare

The news cycle feels more like a Tilt-a-Whirl than a merry-go-round lately, and I hear from so many people who are finding the sheer quantity of suffering and cruelty unbearable. If that's how you're feeling too, you might benefit from this advice from Ru Paul: Look at the darkness, but don't stare.​

Remember, the whole point of being informed is so that you can do something with that information. If a particular news source is making you feel paralyzed or powerless, you're not "checking out" by taking a break. You're protecting yourself from the immobilization of a freeze response, and preserving your capacity to help yourself — and others.

Delightful Discoveries

The wonderfully colored dining room at Gracia House​

Who says there's no joy in January?​

​What if you could hire a therapist for your home? (Two of my fave people in one interview!)

​This book broke me open this week (pro tip: I highly recommend this one in audio, because it plays more like a conversation. I slept on this when it was released but it is just so good.)

The rest of my household got the flu this week, so I made like a good Jewish mother and cooked chicken soup (I used one chicken, not 3(!!), used brown rice not matzo balls, and didn't have any of the herbs and it still came out amazing)

A 7000 year old instrument being played

​A dress that has me counting down the days 'till winter break

Make ahead work lunch upgrades​

A beautiful post on the very real grief of losing a home​

How to break free from the "dopamine economy"​

​Here for THIS (let's un-brainwash ourselves that jobs are the main way we contribute to society)

​My secret to breaking the boredom of winter outfits

An interesting analysis of what makes someone fun​

Quote of the Week

"People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of their character."

— Ralph Waldo Emerson